More Words Than Ever: A Day of Hope, Hurt, and Holding On Today was really weird. It’s hard to explain—really hard. I’ve talked more today than I think I’ve talked my entire life, lol. I know I was with John, and he’s one of my safe people, but even then, I usually don’t say much. Something’s shifting, I think. And I truly believe the sertraline is helping. I know it’s just Day 15, and I shouldn’t get my hopes up. But I can’t help it. If things keep going like this… who knows? I’ve even been smiling more. Jennifer noticed during our last session. And today both Xander and Ryan told me I seemed happier. I guess I do. Sometimes I wish I could just know what I’m feeling without having to think so hard about it. Alexithymia makes that so difficult. Like… yeah, I can smile and feel okay in the moment, but then later I’m left wondering, “What was that feeling? Was that happiness?” It’s frustrating not to be able to tell in real time. I want to understand myself more easily. It’s exhau...

This Blog Saved Me: What Autism Means to Me Now It’s been several months since I got my autism diagnosis, and honestly, I’m still learning what that truly means. Coming to terms with it hasn’t been easy. Some days, it’s a relief—finally having language for things I’ve always felt but couldn’t explain. Other days, it feels like I’m unraveling parts of myself I didn’t even realize were tangled. My friends have supported me in ways I didn’t fully recognize until now. The little check-ins, the patience, the unspoken understanding when I go quiet or need space—it all adds up. And my mom has been a huge part of this too. She’s still learning with me, but she shows up the best she can, even when things get hard. My therapist has helped the most by simply offering a space where I don’t have to mask. I can speak openly, cry without shame, stim without judgment. Just having that space to be fully me? That’s something I didn’t know I needed until I had it. But this blog— Chronicles of a Q...

Why I Color Code My Stim Toys as an Autistic Adult Living as an autistic adult means I’ve had to get creative about how I manage stress, sensory overload, and emotional regulation—especially at work. One of the ways I do that is by color coding my stim toys. Most days, you’ll see me with a blue or purple stim toy. Those colors feel calming, safe, and steady to me. It’s like telling my nervous system, “Hey, it’s okay—you’ve got this.” They help me stay grounded when work gets hectic, or when the sensory buzz starts to creep in but isn’t overwhelming yet. But on harder days—like if I’m already anxious before clocking in, or something stressful hits mid-shift—I’ll switch to a red or black stim toy. Those colors feel heavier, more serious, and they help me push through or release built-up pressure. It’s a signal to myself (and sometimes to people who notice) that things are tougher right now and I need a little extra support. Color coding isn’t just about looks—it’s a way to exter...