Autistic, Exhausted, Alive: My Fight to Keep My Promise Autistic, Exhausted, Alive: My Fight to Keep My Promise Sometimes I wish I could just end it. That’s the truth, as raw as it gets. I don’t want to die—not really. But the exhaustion, the noise, the endless effort... it wears me down until the idea of not existing feels like a kind of relief. But I made a promise. I made it to my mom when I was 23 after the last time I came close. I made it to Miranda too. I told them I wouldn’t try again. And I meant it. Even when I’m at my lowest, that promise is a lifeline. Today, the noise sensitivity is brutal. The bugs outside are screeching, the white noise in my brain is up to max, and even my best coping tools—my Nee Doh, my stim toys, my earplugs—aren’t cutting it. I’ve been rubbing my feet together to try to soothe the overwhelm. Still, it builds. I wish my brain would just shut down. Funny thing is, it often does—just not when I need it to. I’ve always pu...

🪶 I Just Want to Hear the Birds: Living in a World That’s Too Loud I’m autistic, and my world is loud — painfully, relentlessly loud. Even with earplugs and headphones, some days all I want is to step outside and just hear the birds. But it’s never that simple. Some days, all I want is to step outside and just hear the birds. Feel the breeze, catch the rustle of leaves, maybe notice a distant dog barking or a squirrel scurrying up a tree. But instead, I hear a truck’s backup beeper three streets over. I hear the low, constant hum of traffic, the deep bass of someone’s stereo vibrating the air, and — always — the ringing in my ears that never really stops. Even with my Loop earplugs in, it feels like the world refuses to turn the volume down. I hate that I need earplugs. I hate that I carry headphones everywhere like armor. I hate that just existing outside feels like fighting a battle my nervous system is already tired of fighting. And yeah — it’s unfair. I’m autistic, a...