Autistic, Exhausted, Alive: My Fight to Keep My Promise
Autistic, Exhausted, Alive: My Fight to Keep My Promise
Sometimes I wish I could just end it. That’s the truth, as raw as it gets. I don’t want to die—not really. But the exhaustion, the noise, the endless effort... it wears me down until the idea of not existing feels like a kind of relief.
But I made a promise. I made it to my mom when I was 23 after the last time I came close. I made it to Miranda too. I told them I wouldn’t try again. And I meant it. Even when I’m at my lowest, that promise is a lifeline.
Today, the noise sensitivity is brutal. The bugs outside are screeching, the white noise in my brain is up to max, and even my best coping tools—my Nee Doh, my stim toys, my earplugs—aren’t cutting it. I’ve been rubbing my feet together to try to soothe the overwhelm. Still, it builds.
I wish my brain would just shut down. Funny thing is, it often does—just not when I need it to. I’ve always pushed myself to keep up, forced my routines to stay “on track” so I don’t fall behind or get seen as lazy or broken. But lately I’ve realized… that very rigidity is part of the problem.
I used to think routines had to be perfect. Every step, every day. If I skipped one thing, the whole day felt off. Jennifer helped me understand: routines can be flexible without being failures. We can build “foundations” and then layer in support—not just for productivity, but for survival.
I’m rebuilding my routines with that in mind. Here's what I'm working on now:
🌅 Morning Foundation
- Start with sensory check-in: Is my body buzzing? Is the air too loud?
- Use earplugs or headphones if needed before anything else
- Quick breakfast (safe foods only)
- Brush hair, get dressed in something soft and comforting
- 10:30 AM – BP check for the Royal Scrolls
🧰 After-Work Recovery
- Remove uniform immediately
- Use stim toy (Nee Doh, spinner, or stuffed Buc-ee)
- Lie down with weighted blanket if shutdown signs start
- Hydrate and snack on something safe
- Journal entry if I’m spiraling
🌙 Night Wind-Down
- Dim lights, soft music or fan on low
- Medication (hydroxyzine if needed)
- Self-check: Am I dissociating, overstimulated, or both?
- Ritual: “I’m choosing protection over pain” before hydroxyzine
- Weighted blanket, then sleep
I don’t have all the answers. I’m still overwhelmed, still autistic, still exhausted. But I’m also alive. And that means I’m still keeping my promise.
If you’re reading this and feeling the same—please don’t go. Not yet. You’ve made it this far. Keep going. Even if it’s just for one more breath, one more promise, one more sunrise.
You are not broken. You are not alone. You are not too much.
You're still here. And that matters.
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