Why Starting a New Antidepressant Is So Hard as an Autistic Adult | Chronicles of a Quiet Fighter

Why Does This Have to Be So Hard? My Autistic Perspective on Starting New Meds

Some days it feels impossible to explain why something as “simple” as starting a new antidepressant can take over my whole life. But the truth is, it does — and it’s not because I’m weak.

I’m autistic. That means my nervous system doesn’t just notice small side effects — it amplifies them. Nausea doesn’t feel like a mild stomach flutter; it feels like my whole body is buzzing and I can’t escape. A little dizziness doesn’t feel small; it feels like the floor tilts under me all day. It’s not drama — it’s sensory reality.

Then there’s anxiety. Every tiny shift inside my body becomes something to watch, something to question. Add depression to the mix, and suddenly the fight to keep going gets even heavier.

And it’s not just the mental side. I’m already juggling meds for blood pressure, sleep, and mood. Every new pill changes that balance. My heart rate drops too low at night. My mornings turn into a calculation: Will today be the day I feel okay?

For me, taking a med isn’t just “take it and forget it.” It’s sensory, emotional, and physical. It touches my whole identity and sense of control. That’s why it feels so hard — because it is hard.

But here’s what keeps me going: Even when it’s messy, I still show up. I still take the pill, track my vitals, notice the patterns, and talk about it honestly. That doesn’t make me weak. That makes me a quiet fighter — and I think that counts.

I know I can’t “fix” my autism — and honestly, I don’t want to. It’s part of who I am. But I can keep fighting for my mental health. Even if the meds make me nauseous, even if the days feel too long, I’ll keep taking them because I deserve better than living in a fog of depression and panic. I’m autistic, anxious, and still standing. And to me, that’s worth fighting for.