Why I No Longer Go to Church, Losing Faith in What Never Reflected Jesus

-
Sunlight through stained glass in a quiet empty church, symbolizing reflection and loss of faith.

Why I No Longer Go to Church, Losing Faith in What Never Reflected Jesus

A personal reflection from my autistic point of view

The reason I no longer go to church is simple. Most churches do not represent what Jesus stood for. I am not sure they ever did. The message was meant to be love, care, and mercy. What I felt was judgment, noise, and control.

I tried to find God in rows of pews. Instead I found rules that asked me to hide who I am.

I am autistic. My senses take in everything. Lights, microphones, side talk, perfume, a baby crying, shoes on tile, all of it stacks up. My body starts buzzing and my chest tightens. People say smile. People say shake hands. People say talk to your neighbor. It feels like a script I did not write. If I miss a cue, the looks tell me I missed it.

They say come as you are. What they mean is come if you can blend in. Come if you can sit still on cue. Come if your voice fits the room. I can mask for a while. After that I go home drained and shaky. I need quiet. I need time to feel my feet again.

Peaceful sunrise over a bench and cross on a hill, symbolizing quiet faith outside church walls.

When I step back and look wide, I see a pattern that breaks my trust. Faith groups that claim love, yet fight each other. Shouting over who is right, who is pure, who belongs. History full of harm in the name of God. I cannot call that holy. I call it human fear dressed up as certainty.

What my body tells me in those rooms

  • Sound piles up until words blur and my focus snaps.
  • Bright light and strong smell knock me off center.
  • Forced small talk makes my brain lock up.
  • Rules about how to act matter more than care for people.

I did not leave God. I left the show. I meet God in quiet breath and open sky. I meet God when I help someone and no one claps. I meet God when I tell the truth and let my hands be still. I meet God when I do not have to hide my autistic self to be seen as worthy.

Maybe that is where Jesus always is. Outside the loud rooms. With people who do not fit the script. In acts of mercy that do not make a scene. In love that asks for nothing back.

Let me be honest. Let me be kind. Let me be fully myself. If God is love, this is enough.

Written with care, from an autistic heart that values truth, consent, and quiet.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular Post

The Birthday Ambush

-
The Birthday Ambush Yesterday, when I first got to work at O’Reilly’s, I could tell something was up. Miranda and John were laughing, giggling, and cutting up. I watched them like a hawk, not taking my eyes off of them. They both tried to scare me—sneaking up behind me and shouting “Happy Birthday!” really loud, with Miranda filming it. I still jumped—loud noises startle me—but I was ready. Even in that chaotic moment, I felt safe, playful, and connected. Playful bonding Playful interactions with people I trust can be both exhilarating and grounding. I don’t have to suppress my startle response to enjoy connection. Embracing joy safely Humor, playful banter, and safe surprises can help release stress and strengthen relationships. I can lean into these moments as part of my self-regulation.
Quite Fighter read more »

The Honda Mix-Up

-
The Honda Mix-Up Today at O’Reilly I managed to stick my foot in my mouth without even meaning to. A customer pulled into the parking lot driving a Honda. Miranda asked if I wanted to restock or deal with them, and I—without thinking—said, “Yeah, I don’t like Hondas anyway.” Then she looked at me and reminded me… her car is a Honda. Oops. I scrambled, tried to backtrack with, “Well, I like yours,” but then of course she pointed out, “But mine’s a Honda.” At that point I was stuck in a loop, so I gave up and went to put things on the shelf. When I came back, I thought I was in the clear. She was laughing, so I figured the moment passed. Nope. She snuck up on me while I was on the phone and scared the daylights out of me. I nearly lost my ability to speak, caught between laughing and crying. P.S. Miranda, if you’re reading this—I officially declare for the record: your Honda is cool, and I’m really, really sorry for the mix-up. Please don’t sneak up on me again whil...
Quite Fighter read more »

Banana Pudding Tears: Honoring Papa’s Memory

-
Today, I’m sharing a deeply personal moment of grief and memory. It’s about Papa, his favorite dessert, and how I experienced a wave of emotions I wasn’t ready for. This is written from my autistic perspective, and I hope it gives insight into the ways love, loss, and support show up in my life. Note for neurotypical readers: This post shares the deep sensory and emotional experience of an autistic person remembering a loved one. The intensity may be unfamiliar if you haven’t experienced grief in this way. Another Bite, Another Wave Jennifer gave me this banana pudding at my therapy session today. I only managed four bites before I started crying. Why does this taste so much like him? Miranda had to get my spoon and help me calm down while I sat there, trying to eat. She stayed by my side, quietly supporting me, helping me breathe through the overwhelming mix of grief and memory. Each bite felt heavier than the last, yet somehow comforting...
Quite Fighter read more »

🦕 Why I Love Both Dark Dramas and Dino Nuggets

-
 Some people think it’s weird that I can go from watching Department Q or House to curling up with cartoons made for little kids. Or that I’ll happily read about revolutions and lost empires… then turn around and eat Dino-shaped chicken nuggets for dinner. But here’s the thing: it’s not childish. It’s balance. Being autistic means the world often feels like it’s turned up to eleven. Deep dramas and history books feed the part of me that loves to explore complexity, darkness, and the messy truths about humanity. They challenge my mind and let me see the world through different lenses.  But after a day of sensory overload, anxiety spikes, or just plain life stress? That same mind needs a softer landing. Cartoons are gentle, predictable, and safe. Dino nuggets feel comforting, silly, and familiar. They aren’t about avoiding adulthood — they’re about recovering enough to keep being an adult tomorrow. Liking these things doesn’t erase the fact that I’m also into heavier, “grown-up”...
Quite Fighter read more »

Ashes in the River & Bloodline: Latest Writing Update + Sneak Peek

-
Image
📚 Writing Update: Big Things Coming! Hey everyone, I wanted to take a moment to share some exciting updates about my writing journey. A lot has been happening behind the scenes, and I’m really looking forward to letting you all in on it. First, Ashes in the River has grown—what started as a 12-chapter plan is now shaping up to be 13 chapters . This psychological horror novel keeps surprising me as I write, and I want to make sure the story is told the way it deserves to be. My goal is to have it finished by spring, with a summer release next year . I can’t wait for you to dive into this story—it’s dark, emotional, and full of twists that even caught me off guard. On top of that, I’m still expanding Bloodline , which started as a short story but is now being developed into a full novella . The world and characters are really opening up, and it feels like the story is finally reaching its true depth. I’ve also been working on special edition details—lik...
Quite Fighter read more »

Working with Miranda, teamwork and autism support

-
Image
Working with Miranda Friendship at work, autism awareness, and small moments that keep me steady. I work with my friend Miranda. We move through busy days together, one small moment at a time. Some days I am the helper. Some days she is. Most days we trade places without saying a word. That is what trust looks like for me at work. How we team up Miranda knows my patterns. When the store gets loud, she checks on me. When I get lost in a task, she gives me a simple cue. Sometimes it is a soft beep sound to help me shift attention. Sometimes it is a gentle look that says breathe. I do the same for her in my way. I grab parts, I keep things moving, I crack a joke when we both need a reset. When change hits hard Updates to the system can throw me off. My breath gets shallow. My body feels tight. When that happens, Miranda crouches so we are eye to eye and says breathe with me. One bre...
Quite Fighter read more »

The Sound of Silence: Finding Friends Who Truly Understand Autism, Anxiety & Depression

-
Image
The Sound of Silence: Finding Friends Who Get It There have been so many times where I’ve been in a room full of people and still felt completely alone. It’s like everyone else is on the same frequency, and I’m just stuck on static. The world feels loud—too many voices, too many expectations, too much pressure to “fit in.” And I try. I mask. I laugh when I don’t feel like it, I force myself into small talk even though it drains me, and I walk away with nothing left in the tank. That’s the hard part about living with autism, depression, and anxiety—connection doesn’t come easy. It’s not that I don’t want it, it’s just that it costs me something. After some interactions, I go home feeling like I’ve run a marathon with no medal at the end. But then there are the people who make it different. The ones who let me sit in silence without making it awkward. The ones who don’t demand I be “on” all the time. For me, that’s Miranda and John. With Miranda, ...
Quite Fighter read more »

Two Friends, One Therapist: A Funny and Heartfelt Look at Shared Healing

-
Image
When You And Your Friend Have The Same Therapist Healing can be shared, but each story still deserves its own space. ••• Today brought a small twist. My friend Kenneth and I realized we share the same therapist. I had my appointment with Jennifer at one o’clock, and he met her for the first time at three. She had an hour between us, which felt merciful. Two of us in one day might test anyone’s clinical stamina. Before I left, I told her she would be meeting one of my friends later. She asked who. I said, “Kenneth.” She smiled and said, “Don’t tell me anything about him. I want to meet him with an unbiased mind.” That made sense to me. Therapy works best when each person gets a clean slate—no backstory, no influence, just truth meeting truth. On the way home, I couldn’t help laughing. Same therapist. Same couch. Same box of tissues. Different lives being unpacked in ...
Quite Fighter read more »

Stepping Forward Quietly: Reflections on Life as an Autistic Person

-
Image
Stepping Forward, Quietly but Strongly Jump to Section: • Life Lately • Learning to Listen to Myself • The Quiet Battles • What’s Helping Right Now ▶ Life Lately Life lately has been a mix of stillness and storms. As an autistic person, the world often feels too loud, too bright, and too fast. I carry those moments of overwhelm in my body and mind, but I’m also learning how to honor them instead of fighting against them. There are days when I feel drained just from existing. The sound of voices overlapping, the pressure of expectations, or the weight of unspoken feelings can leave me buzzing inside — like my nervous system is running on high voltage. In the past, I tried to push through, but I’m realizing that survival isn’t the same thing as living. On the other side, there are days filled with small but powerful victorie...
Quite Fighter read more »

Catching Up: New Chapters & New Stores

-
Image
Chronicles of a Quiet Fighter Catching Up: New Chapters & New Stores It’s been a busy couple of weeks, and I realized I haven’t shared an update here in a little while. Life has been moving quickly, but I’ve got some exciting things to share. First, my debut book Bloodline is officially out in the world! Holding it in my hands for the first time was surreal, and I’m so grateful to everyone who has supported me on this journey. If you haven’t picked up your copy yet, you can find it here: 📖 Get Bloodline on Lulu I’ve also started working on book two, Bloodline: Towerkeeper , which will dive deeper into the legacy, secrets, and shadows introduced in the first story. I can’t wait to share more about that soon. On top of writing, I’ve been building spaces where readers can connect with my work beyond the page. 🛍️ Visit My Merch Store 🎵 Shop on TikTok It hasn’t been without challenges—balancing ...
Quite Fighter read more »