More Words Than Ever: A Day of Hope, Hurt, and Holding On

More Words Than Ever: A Day of Hope, Hurt, and Holding On

Today was really weird. It’s hard to explain—really hard. I’ve talked more today than I think I’ve talked my entire life, lol. I know I was with John, and he’s one of my safe people, but even then, I usually don’t say much. Something’s shifting, I think. And I truly believe the sertraline is helping.

I know it’s just Day 15, and I shouldn’t get my hopes up. But I can’t help it. If things keep going like this… who knows? I’ve even been smiling more. Jennifer noticed during our last session. And today both Xander and Ryan told me I seemed happier. I guess I do.

Sometimes I wish I could just know what I’m feeling without having to think so hard about it. Alexithymia makes that so difficult. Like… yeah, I can smile and feel okay in the moment, but then later I’m left wondering, “What was that feeling? Was that happiness?” It’s frustrating not to be able to tell in real time. I want to understand myself more easily. It’s exhausting to have to translate my own emotions like this.

On a different note—work’s been rough. My thoughts of self-harm have gotten stronger lately. I’ve already told Miranda and John, so they’re watching out for me at work. Mom knows too. I’m doing my best to be safe and speak up.

Yesterday, Ryan left his knife on his desk. It was… really tempting. I picked it up, held it to my arm, pressed down—but I pulled it away and put it down. I told Miranda, and she hid it for me. But then Xander found it and pulled it out in front of me. I had to speak up again. John and Ryan overheard and got on to him.

I left the office after that, and Ryan moved the knife. Later he came and said he didn’t see what the issue was but apologized if it upset me. I had to explain that I’m suicidal and I’ve self-harmed with knives before. Once I said it plainly, it finally clicked for him. He got it. But I swear—men can be so clueless sometimes. This is why I mostly hang out with women. They just… feel safer to be around.

It’s been a strange day. Hard and heavy in some parts. But also light, and maybe even a little hopeful. And I’m proud of myself for saying something, for choosing safety, for trying.

---

A Note for Neurotypical Readers:

Some autistic people live with alexithymia, which makes it hard to recognize or describe their own emotions. We may seem okay on the outside but struggle deeply inside. If you’re a coworker, friend, or family member—thank you for listening. What might seem like a small moment to you could be a huge act of bravery for someone like me. Your patience, kindness, and quiet support make a difference.

A Note for Readers in Crisis:

If you do not have anyone call 988

If you’re dealing with self-harm urges or suicidal thoughts, please reach out to someone safe. You don’t have to go through it alone. It’s okay to ask for help. I did. And I’m still here. You can be too.