The Shield at Spencer’s: When the R-Word Hit Me in the Mall Date: July 29, 2025 Tags: Ableism, Trauma, Autistic Life, Real Stories, Survival, Gratitude Trigger Warning: This post contains references to ableist slurs, bullying, and emotional trauma. Please take care while reading. I was just trying to do what my therapist encouraged me to do—broaden my world. Go out, exist, maybe even feel a little bit normal in public. So I went to the mall, just me and my headphones, and my Nee Doh squish in hand. Nothing dramatic. Just existing in a place that has always been a sensory minefield for me. And then it happened. A group of guys walked up behind me, and one of them used that word . The R-word. The same word I was called as a kid. The word that haunted me all through school. The one that shattered my self-esteem, made me feel like a monster, made me question if I was even human. Logically, I know it’s “just a word.” But emotionally? It rips me to pieces every si...

Autistic, Exhausted, Alive: My Fight to Keep My Promise Autistic, Exhausted, Alive: My Fight to Keep My Promise Sometimes I wish I could just end it. That’s the truth, as raw as it gets. I don’t want to die—not really. But the exhaustion, the noise, the endless effort... it wears me down until the idea of not existing feels like a kind of relief. But I made a promise. I made it to my mom when I was 23 after the last time I came close. I made it to Miranda too. I told them I wouldn’t try again. And I meant it. Even when I’m at my lowest, that promise is a lifeline. Today, the noise sensitivity is brutal. The bugs outside are screeching, the white noise in my brain is up to max, and even my best coping tools—my Nee Doh, my stim toys, my earplugs—aren’t cutting it. I’ve been rubbing my feet together to try to soothe the overwhelm. Still, it builds. I wish my brain would just shut down. Funny thing is, it often does—just not when I need it to. I’ve always pu...