Autistic, Exhausted, Alive: My Fight to Keep My Promise Autistic, Exhausted, Alive: My Fight to Keep My Promise Sometimes I wish I could just end it. That’s the truth, as raw as it gets. I don’t want to die—not really. But the exhaustion, the noise, the endless effort... it wears me down until the idea of not existing feels like a kind of relief. But I made a promise. I made it to my mom when I was 23 after the last time I came close. I made it to Miranda too. I told them I wouldn’t try again. And I meant it. Even when I’m at my lowest, that promise is a lifeline. Today, the noise sensitivity is brutal. The bugs outside are screeching, the white noise in my brain is up to max, and even my best coping tools—my Nee Doh, my stim toys, my earplugs—aren’t cutting it. I’ve been rubbing my feet together to try to soothe the overwhelm. Still, it builds. I wish my brain would just shut down. Funny thing is, it often does—just not when I need it to. I’ve always pu...