I Wasn’t Cold. I Was Caged.

They told me I was cold.

Too quiet. Too distant. Too calm.

What they didn’t know—what I didn’t even know—is that I wasn’t calm. I wasn’t fine. I was caged. I was suffocating under layers of forced smiles, muted reactions, and silent screams.

I wasn’t allowed to feel.

If I cried? I was dramatic.

If I got angry? I was dangerous.

If I showed joy? I was “too much.”

So I learned to shut it all down. I masked so hard that even I couldn’t tell what was real anymore. I thought maybe I didn’t have emotions like other people. I thought maybe something was broken inside me.

But here’s the truth:

I wasn’t emotionless.

I was surviving.

Now I know I’m autistic. Now I know I wasn’t “cold”—I was conditioned to suppress everything. And now that I’m unmasking?

It’s like a dam breaking.

I feel everything. In full color. Full volume. Full impact.

There’s no such thing as “mild” in my emotional world. There’s no polite little wave of sadness. It’s a tsunami.

There’s no casual happiness. It’s sunlight exploding through my bones.

My emotions are huge, raw, and wild—and honestly? They’re f*cking beautiful.

I’ve been told to be quiet my whole life.

To not cry so loud.

To not feel so much.

To not make anyone uncomfortable with my realness.

Well—guess what?

I’m not hiding anymore.

I’m not shrinking.

I’m not dimming my fire to make someone else feel safe.

Yes, I’m emotional.

Yes, I feel deeply.

Yes, I cry, rage, melt down, rebuild, and love with everything I’ve got.

Because I’m autistic.

Because I’m real.

Because I survived a world that tried to silence me—and I’m still standing.

So no. I’m not cold. I’m not numb. I’m not “too much.”

I’m fierce.

I’m alive.

I’m free.

And if that makes someone uncomfortable? They can look away.

But I will never look away from myself again.