The Cow Meat Conspiracy 🐄😤🍔

Okay, hear me out—maybe it’s just me, but I think cow meat has it out for me at this point. I said hold on… 😅

First, it was that flaming cow meat that tried to take me out (you remember the hot jerky saga, right?). And now, I go to Burger King and order a number one—regular Whopper meal. I even upsized it to a large with sweet tea, feelin’ fancy. I get home and... there are no fries in the bag. None. Nada. Just sadness.

I haven’t even checked the sandwich yet to see if they got it right. I ordered it with no mayo, no tomato, and no pickles—because I have autistic sensory issues with all three.

Let me be clear for the folks in the back:

🧠 It’s not about being picky. It’s about how my brain and body react to certain textures, smells, and tastes. Mayo feels like slime on my tongue. Tomato makes everything soggy. Pickles? Instant sour overdrive.

If any of those are on my burger, I literally can’t eat it. And don’t say, “Just pick it off.”

First of all:

👉 You can’t pick off mayo, you absolute fool.

Second: Tomatoes and pickles leak their little juice trails of nastiness onto the bun and meat and ruin the whole thing.

This is the part where I start spiraling: Did they mess up my order? Do I need to go back? But I can’t. My anxiety is already through the roof. I’ve played 27 versions of that phone call in my head and none of them go well. I just want my fries. I paid for them. But the idea of calling the store? That’s a hard no from my nervous system.

I wish I could just pick up the phone and be “normal.” I wish I could advocate for myself without panic clutching my chest and my stomach twisting into knots. But that’s not how my brain works. And maybe that’s okay. Maybe “normal” is overrated anyway.

So here I am, autistic and fry-less, developing a crackpot theory that cow meat is out to get me. Maybe it is. Maybe it’s not. Either way, it makes more sense than how people treat autistic folks like we’re broken just because our wiring is different.

So yeah—stay safe out there. Trust no burger. And remember: if the mayo shows up uninvited, it’s not you, it’s the system that doesn’t get how real sensory issues are.

From my autistic brain to yours,

✌️ Caleb