Two Moms, a Dad-Boss, and a Brother Who’s Not

Two Moms, a Dad-Boss, and a Brother Who’s Not

Because I don’t just work retail—I star in a full-blown family sitcom… complete with sass, unsolicited advice, and emotional support threats.

Let’s get one thing straight: I was hired to work at a parts store, not accidentally join a chaotic found family. And yet, somehow, I now juggle two moms, a dad-boss, and a "little brother" who thinks he’s in charge. And me? I’m the neurodivergent gremlin at the heart of it all, dripping with sass and barely holding back from roasting them in real time. (But today… I blog.)

Mom #1: Miranda, Queen of Calm and Sass Repossession

Miranda has somehow appointed herself as my secondary mother—complete with “the look,” the sighs, and the ability to revoke my Sass License at will. One second I’m cracking jokes, the next she’s giving me that deadpan stare like, “Child, I swear.” Honestly? She's probably saved me from a dozen HR complaints and at least one concussion. Love you, Mom 2.

Mom #2: My Actual Mom (The OG)

She doesn’t work at the store, but her voice lives rent-free in my head. Between her and Miranda, I can’t get away with *anything.* Somehow both of them always know when I’ve been up to something—even if all I did was look vaguely mischievous.

Dad-Boss: Ryan (Manager of Me and My Mouth)

Ryan tries not to play favorites, but we all know I’m his emotional support goblin. He acts like he’s just managing a parts department, but I’ve seen the dad reflexes kick in. The disapproving eyebrow. The “Caleb, really?” tone. The mix of proud and exasperated sighs. Basically, he grounds me at least once a week—but usually with a grin.

Brother-Who’s-Not: John (The Sass Police)

Listen, I’m older than him. But don’t tell John that, because he has fully embraced the role of big brother anyway. He’s constantly warning me not to hurt myself, poking fun at my goblin behavior, and somehow always dragging me back into line before I fall off a shelf or into trouble. I pretend to be annoyed. I’m not.

They might drive me up the wall sometimes, but the truth is: I’d be lost without them. Neurodivergent life isn’t always easy—but with people like this in my corner, I know I’ve got backup, banter, and enough inside jokes to fuel a sitcom.

So here’s to the chaos, the care, and the roast-worthy moments I’ll absolutely keep sharing. Because this found family? They’re mine. And now they’re also slightly embarrassed. Mission accomplished.

🏅 Badge Earned: “Most Likely to Be Grounded at Work by People Who Aren’t My Parents”
For surviving (and thriving) among your found family crew with equal parts sass, humor, and chaos. Shine on, you majestic retail goblin.